I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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