I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Randomize
