Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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