K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
