What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
