Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
