dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
We're too hungover to prance.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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