i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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