I wish my penis had an off switch
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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