Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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