There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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