i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
