I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
