I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
