You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
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