his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
