The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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