probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
