I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
