My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
