remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
