i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
