When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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