Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
