you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
