Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
