I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
