You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
