And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
