I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
