No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
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