I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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