I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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