i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
