if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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