he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
