I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
