Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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