how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
