Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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