Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
