ugly people sure do ruin things
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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