It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
