he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
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