Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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