did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
