WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
