I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
