i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
