what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
