Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
