Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize