Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
