i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
