god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
