Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?