i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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