There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
